Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Coming out of the Dark

Hey All!

There is a Chinese curse that says "may you live in interesting times" Well up until recently that's what it's been like. And in a lot of ways it will continue that way for a while. So here is the basic gist of what has happened and then I'm going to expand on thought processes simply because I have a lot in my head and I feel that now is the time to get it all out...I'm going to give you some advance warning....this particular blog needs to be written and it won't be pretty. But let me tell you why I'm doing all of this self revelation. Once again I've lived through something that could have killed me and this isn't the first time...But I get ahead of my self...

AND THAT WAS YESTERDAY AND NOW IT'S A NEW DAY. Yesterday I felt like my whole rational world was caving in.


My brain goes on these tangents where no matter how hard I try to see the good in a day I can't. I swear it's because of the pills I'm on but I still have things that need to be answered. Like, why do I survive things that could have/should have probably killed me like Alcoholism, Cancer, Crohns, multiple nut allergies, multiple accidents that I walked away from and should have died and yet I'm still here...Would someone who has an ear to God tell me WHY??? Surely I've got something to do to add to the positive nature of the Universe, I can't just be kept here out of some sick need to see how much Scott can handle!!!

It's now 3 days later....boy am I having trouble writing this....

OK...so now it's Saturday...I've been through a week of radiation treatments. I really don't feel any worse for the wear, just tired and a little bitchy. So for the past couple of days I've tried to get out and get some sun. I'm limited to the time I can be out but the Radiation Oncology unit gave me some SPF25 to put on and I can now stay out a little longer. Nausea is my worst enemy and I hate that sometimes Clayton gets the brunt of my Anger, Pity, moodiness, what ever you want to call it.

So last night the theater company that I'm President of (Clayton is VP but is leaving the board soon) has a show that is up called "House of Blue Leaves" it's a comedy. I needed to laugh, so this time I pushed the envelope a little and had Clayton drop me off and told him to go ahead and go home and I would find a ride home. I needed this little push of Independence since I can't (am not supposed to be) alone because of the seizures. For those of you who don't know; about a month a go I surprised everyone by having a sudden seizure. I woke up in an ambulance trying to answer questions that I was supposed to know the answer for but couldn't remember. Clayton kept his cool but I could tell when he got to the emergency room it scared him to death. So they kept be for a couple of days...sent me home with these new drugs for seizure disorder (which add to the moodiness already involved) and 12 hours later I started throwing up and couldn't stop so I landed back in NIH for 4-5 days.

During this time the Doctors all agreed that it was time to take Scott off of Chemo and put him on radiation treatments. This would keep me from entering the hospital for multiple stays and since it seemed to have done it's job on the grand scale then maybe the pinpointed radiation would help my body heal better.

Anyway I managed to get through the show without incident saw some people I hadn't seen in a while and felt a little more independent. I felt so good in fact that I got up this morning and fixed breakfast for Clayton before he left for rehearsal. I also now don't feel like this weekend while he is at rehearsal is all about Scott being babysat...it's more like just getting to hang with my friends and that the possibility of a seizure has had it's ass slapped back into a corner. I actually started thinking of things to do and clearing out my head. WHICH by the way allowed me to come up with my PURPOSE!!!!!

I'm going to start a non-profit organization called F.A.C.T.S. It stands for Fight All Cancer Through Service. It has been rolling around in my brain for the past week. Clayton and I heard about this little girl in Alexandria (VA) who had to have a kidney removed due to Cancer. The father (who is in Single Father Status) had to quit his job to take care of her and they were having a fund raiser to help support them....This got me to thinking...all the funds raised for Cancer research is great BUT...they don't help out with things like, Rides to the hospital, Food buying or preparation, etc...up to more than a dozen things I could think of...so F.A.C.T.S. is falling into place in my head and starting this weekend I start to put it on paper.

If anyone knows a good pro bono lawyer who will help me with the 501 c 3 paperwork please send them my way and keep an eye out for emails coming your way asking for help. I'm going to want this to be more than a donation type organization...I want to create lists of real people who want to get involved like they did with me. Let's help go grocery shopping, let's take the caretaker and the patient out for dinner if they want or even cook for them...Let's offer to look in and walk the pets...This is more than just throwing money at a situation (even tho' we will need that) this is about coming together and being of service.

Man do I feel better today I really did come out of the Dark.

I love you all for being there and for listening.


Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Maybe I should just make a reservation.

This is gonna be short as i'm weak, tired and not in a great frame of mind. I read Clayton's blog and he asked how do I do it...well I'll tell you the truth...I cry when know one is around and then convice myself that this will be over eventually and that I just have to keep going and then I turn on the TV or put in a movie and wait for something to happen like Clayton coming to visit...(Which I live for) just having him here boosts my spirits like you wouldn't believe.

I try to meditate during one of my meditations it occurred to me that I don't really pray while I'm in the hospital. It could be all the drugs I don't know. But it does bother me that I don't remember to do it. I was having hallucinations earlier in the week and the Nurontin makes me a blank slate. Clayton also mentioned something about me not complaining....Believe me I'd like to but what good does it do....the staff here does the best they can with what they have to work with. I'm not going to add to their stress by bitching about things they have no control over.

Well I'm gonna end for now the nurse is going to bring me some nausea medicine (Adavan) they shoot it straight into my iv and I take a little nap.

Maybe more later.