I'm the worst Blogger...but here's an update!

The house is coming along quite nicely and we should be in by the end of the month. Sometime between Christmas and New Years...I'm thinking my birthday! What a present!! below are just a few of the 200 plus pictures! I hope to get more this weekend. This is just a preview! Work is busy and my health is great! Clayton has been a packing dynamo! I spent last weekend patching holes in walls and we bought a carpet shampooer...the first use will be on this house before we leave it to move into our brand new one!!!!

Hugs and love to all!!

spare bedroom

Front of house living room and family room

kitchen looking into mud room

Kitchen without cabinets yet

basement left side of house

basement back right side of house

Front of the house without siding

back of the house from the kitchen...the fireplace is the hole (back right)

Garage foundation

Back of the house without siding

WOW more than a month Later?!?!?!

Yep...it sure is! Boy have things happend and all of it good. I've been very busy with work, of course. But I have got a great job and keeps me going with new things and old, all of the time. Then of course there is the stuff I do as the president of the theater company that Clayton and I are involved with and I'm starting to get more massage appointments since my foot healed. Oh yea you may not know about that...I broke my foot about 6 weeks ago and have been in a walking cast. I just got out of it. In fact I'm really behind in reading blogs and for those of you who have them...I promise I will catch up!

Coming up will be the full round of tests next week to make sure that the cancer is gone and I'm sure it is. In November I will be hopefully cleared to drive again 6 months after my seizure. I had one during my treatment and the state of Virginia says you can't drive for 6 months and need to be cleared by a neurologist...my appointment is on voting day.

Now for the really big news. WE'RE BUYING AND BUILDING A HOUSE!!!! That's right! We finally will be moving into our own house. I'm attaching pictures in this entry and others to follow so that you can follow the process with us! We have signed all the papers except for the closing papers which will be in December some time.

We got to pick out all of the flooring, the cabinets, the colors in the house and outside including the kind of front porch we wanted!

So let's start with the floor plan...The top floor...

Bedroom 2 is going to be my office and Bedroom 3 is going to be the guest room for which I'm now taking reservations among my family members. Hint Hint.

The Main Floor.....
we took the optional laundry room/mud room and the fireplace.

The drawn in lines are to show the extension that we go as an extra option.

The Basement...

we didn't get the basement bathroom finished but we did finish the big room.

Now I have pics of the DIG, the foundation and the sunset from out back window. So if you are bored you have now been warned and can feel free to leave...however you will miss the pictures!!!

a different dig pic

Pouring of the footing...the houses that you see we face them...

AND NOW FOR SUNSET PICTURES

You see the trees in the background? That will be our constant view...lucky us huh?

9/11 and MORE

Today is “that” day. The day 7 years ago that some folks I knew in the Pentagon lost their lives as a plane crashed into the building. The day that 2 airplanes flew into 2 of the tallest buildings in New York and killed thousands of people. The day where some brave people helped take down a plane that potentially could have killed more. The day that I got to work at Quantico Marine Corps Base and the base was put on lockdown. We were watching the TV to keep up with the up to the minute information. I was trying to get through to my family on the cell phone to let them know I was OK. We were all told to watch the windows for more “planes”.

It took a letter signed by the general of the division I was working for, to have all civilians let on and off the base. I had to get one every day for the rest of the week. I’m sure he didn’t like having to sign all those letters everyday. This morning as I write this, I’m sitting in a staff meeting feeling that the “pause for a moment of silence” was not enough. Today the new memorial at the Pentagon will be unveiled and Clayton and I will stop by some time this week to see it.

7 years later it’s much better news! This week we signed the paperwork for the new house!!! We are having it built in a community development out in Gainseville, VA. It’s about 30 miles West of where we are now. So now we are choosing colors and flooring and siding and all that stuff before they break ground. We are hoping to move in December. I will be adding pictures as we get them. My boss Cathy lives about 3 blocks from where we are building and will be taking pictures throughout the build process.

Let me tell you, for those of you who have bought a house you know how much stress buying a house is. And it’s SCAREY!!!!! I’ve never bought more than a car and now I’m buying a HOUSE! I have, at the age of 47, grown into a little bit more of an adult…Don’t worry tho’ I still haven’t totally grown up…

The latest development health wise is that 2 ½ weeks ago I was helping Clayton put up signs for the Yard Sale we were having and in the dark I stepped into a ditch drain and fractured the right side of my right foot! I’ve been in a walking cast for the past 2 weeks and will continue to do so for 2 more. The Dr. said that it was minor and that it should heal without problems. You have to hear this story.

So 2 hours before we go out to hang up signs, I get a call from my friend Marion, who the day before, had fallen while carrying her grandchild and broke something on each leg/foot and messed up one of her knees. I said that I would come visit her in the hospital over that weekend. Little did I know…So after my accident happened, Clayton asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said no let’s just see how my foot is because although it hurt I could limp around so I figured that it wasn’t broken.

Well I laid in bed all night and at 5 a.m. (about the time I knew he planned on getting up and getting ready for the sale) I said to Clayton, “Alright take me to the hospital ER drop me off and go back to the yard sale, and I’ll wait for you to come get me when the help we are expecting arrives” So we did…first of all the helper never showed up…However, at about 6:30 a.m. I was done and I said to the nurse…”You know there is a lady in this hospital that called me 2 hours before this happened and told me she was here and had her own broken bones. So I’m going to go up and visit”! The Nurse was quite helpful…she even helped me up there! So at 6:30 in the morning, I was knocking on her hospital room saying “Wake up lady, it’s your fault this happened you jinxed me”! And from her hospital bed she was laughing her butt off!!!! We chatted until about 10:30 that morning until some friends of mine came by and picked me up and took me home….WOW!!!!

Ever onward…I go back to the Cancer Institute in October for my first follow up after having been told that the Cancer was gone. There will of course be tests and such, but I’m sure all will be fine.

I want to thank everyone again who offered up prayers, help with rides, food, cards and everything else during that time. Clayton and I will never forget the love and support that we got during that time and continue to get occasionally from folks who are just “checking in”. We love you all and give thanks to Higher Power everyday for all of you!

I’m very busy with work now that I’m back full time but only 3 days a week in the office with 2 days of telecommuting. Boy are they glad I’m back the workload has got me maxed out and the meeting is winding down and I now have to go upstairs to my office and get back to work...l8r

Catching up after a month

A couple of things...I'm feeling much better and my health is improving. As most of you know I went home to visit my parents to work on recouperating a little bit and get a new family picture. That is where I've had a hard time giving an update to my blog and here's why. Blogs are supposed to be honest and tell people about how things affect them...that's what I did with the whole cancer trip. During which I learned a lot about my self and shared with you all. So in talking about my trip home which by the way was great...how do I explain about how great it was, without talking about my hurt feelings and the way it affects an entire family as well as myself without causing more pain.

Do I let it go? Yes...but I still have to mention it to get it out and by the time I get through writing it I'm have going to mention everyone who made the time I was there great and that will be a better memory.

So on with the show!!!!!

Mom and Dad met me at the airport in Salt Lake (on Saturday). We started for home and had a great conversation all the way home, stopped for food, (which became a running theme all week lol) finally got home and just chatted and relaxed. I did a lot of resting while I was there. Mom had a special bed delivered from a medical company so I would have a place to sleep since the house was a little crowded. My brother Zac was home with his girlfriend and My brother Damon is living there so those 2 bedrooms were taken and my sister and her 2 kids (Carson and Ashton) had the other bedroom so I got the one room with the big screen TV!!!! Whoo Hooooo! That definately gave me the advantage and I loved it.

Side story!!! While Home I thought I would be the good uncle and take Carson and Ashton along with my sister (their mom) Julie to go see the incredible Hulk movie...Holy Crap Batman!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me not to take two little kids to a movie...I thought it would totally hold their concentration...WRONG!!!!! When we got home my mom and dad looked me straight in the eye and asked how was it? I asked for valium, which had them rolling on the floor with laughter because they new why I wanted it and basically what had happened...the 2 boys then earned the name Crashton...more for that experience than the fact that I could never get their names out right the first time.

The next day was Fathers day and we went to my brother Kimball's house. His family is awesome, especially his wife Leslie who has the most beautiful yard and she works and she takes care of the kids and on top of all that made a Fathers day dinner for my Dad and invited me and mom and others (some who had other commitments) but she had a tremendous amount of food and it was a beautiful day. She is some hostess let me tell you!

Sitting in her beautiful yard that really should be in home and gardens gave me an idea! Since we couldn't get everyone together for a family picture on the same day, family is way to big and getting them together on the same day is nigh impossible. When mom and dad tried to find a place there wasn't even one where they could hold us all.

So anyway I thought what if we used Leslie's beautiful yard as the backdrop and took individual pitures of each of the families then I could composit them together over the backdrop using photoshop! Good idea because the families could all come over and against a easily removed backdrop take their picture so one by one we got them all except one (which is where I got my feelings hurt...but not to be discussed now) Once I get the composit together it will look great! I also got to see most of my family! I got to visit with my brother Eric and his wife Valecia who once again is just a lovely person. My sister Wendy just had a baby (mason) who has had some health problems but she brought him over with her husband who was just a very nice guy and took to taking care of that baby like a real dad!

Most of them made a tremendous effort to work with mom and I to get this done. Then other family members started showing up! My Aunt Dee came down from Logan Ut which is 3 hours a way to spend the afternoon with me and just to visit. She brought her grand son and they, mom and I went out for lunch. Then she drove back to Logan (by herself with the baby) but I thought it really was awsome that she would come down just to visit! Then 2 of my other aunts did the Same, Aunt Sharon came down and we went to a seafood restaraunt with mom and dad and had a great visit and then the next day Aunt Rhonda brought her beautiful teenage daughters down (another 3-4 hour trip) and we went and had sushi together! During this time my Aunt Kaye who lives down the road from my mom came to visit a couple of times. It really blew me away that family would come from so far to visit and short visits to! Too Short! Next time we will try and plan it better and I've also committed to come home once a year for a visit.

OK now back to other members of the family. My sister in-law Katy and my brother Dan had me over for dinner while we took the pictures and I got a real big surprise! My Brother Damon's ex-wife Cindy and children came and visited as well so we all had a great time catching up. I hadn't seen Cindy and the kids for a number of years and I got to get their picture as well so I can add it and it was great to be able to visit and catch up! Cindy hasn't aged a day but those kids sure have grown! They have jobs and drivers licenses and stuff that are all indicators of them reaching adult hood and I'm feeling just a tad old.

Katy's food was great and she was a great hostess even tho she said she wasn't...well phooey to that she was great. The one thing I did miss was not getting to meet her mom Susan. There was a reason why she didn't make it but I don't remember what it was. I kept trying to find time to even remember to at least meet her and failed miserably which I hope she can forgive me for.

I got together with 2 of my high school friends Alira and Joy...once again lunch and food where involved along with the visit...it was awesome to see them again it's been far to long.

I didn't get to see my brother Brian since there are some legal issues going on with him (no I will not go into detail about his life...that's his business) My sister Marchell and her new husband along with kids I missed because she was still honeymooning and working two jobs and was 5 hours away!!! But I did get to see here oldest daughter Laura Lee, her fiancee and my great neice for a visit once again totally lovely!!

In between all of this we did some clothes shopping because nothing I had fit for work when I got back on that Monday...Mom and I were always running errands which in a way helped me because I got some exercise in as well as getting all the cleansing herbs and stuff to help me get better and I am. I wish I could have seen the Arizona Side of the family but they are just to far away and I will have to make time later especially since my cousins on that side of the line I haven't seen in a while.

Ok I'm going to make this as easy as possible. I got to talk to my brother Denis but that's it and not the rest of his family. I'm letting it go and I thank him for taking the time that he could. I'm letting the rest of it go

That's it for now

Puberty???? Again!!!!

So...when you have chemo and radiation, all your hair on your head and body just sort of disappears...then one day you feel the top of your head and you feel some peach fuzz. Yea! my hair is growing back...but that's not all...it's growing everywhere else as well! I swear it's just like puberty! I got 10 types of excited the other day when the dark smudge on my upperlip that I tried to wash away didn't and I realized that it was peachfuzz!!! just like when I was in high school!! I am glad however, that the rest of the stuff that comes with puberty doesn't re-appear...lol.

So I have 2 radiation treatments left, today and tomorrow...then I'm DONE!!!! I have regular Doctor appointments and such but for the most part I'm DONE!!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Saturday I'm going to leave for UT to stay with my parents for a week and let my mom "Fuss" over me and help me get rid of some of the side affects of treatments. A lot of my family members are coming from different locations to see me which will be great! and I hope to come back feeling much better and in tune with my self. We are also going to be taking a family picture as well. It will also be the first father's day in quite a number of years that I will be home for. I'm already prepared with a fathers day gift to take with me.

You may have read in Clayton's blog that I did have some problem last week with my side where they were doing some of the radiation. But they took an x-ray and couldn't see anything and I think it's starting to go away so I think I just pulled a muscle. They said that things like that could happen during the treatment so for now I think it's OK.

F.A.C.T.S. is really picking up steam!! Thursday we review the first draft of the Non-Profit paperwork and I have already been talking with loads of people on what can be done for fund raisers, putting lists of people together, getting a website put together and even one person is helping me with a List Server for mass e-mailings. So look for things to be happening on this and YOU WILL BE GETTING EMAILS ASKING FOR HELP :-).

The Docs are letting me go back to work part time starting on the 23rd I won't be able to work more than 15-20 hours a week for the next couple of months but I can work from home for most of it and I have a summer intern that I've had for the past 2 years who is back to help so she will be helping me take up some of the slack.

That's about it for now...I'm going to start packing for my trip and my ride should be here in a little while to take me to my treatment (still can't drive by myself until Nov....arrrrggghhh)

Peace out!
Scott

Coming out of the Dark

Hey All!


There is a Chinese curse that says "may you live in interesting times" Well up until recently that's what it's been like. And in a lot of ways it will continue that way for a while. So here is the basic gist of what has happened and then I'm going to expand on thought processes simply because I have a lot in my head and I feel that now is the time to get it all out...I'm going to give you some advance warning....this particular blog needs to be written and it won't be pretty. But let me tell you why I'm doing all of this self revelation. Once again I've lived through something that could have killed me and this isn't the first time...But I get ahead of my self...

AND THAT WAS YESTERDAY AND NOW IT'S A NEW DAY. Yesterday I felt like my whole rational world was caving in.


today???


My brain goes on these tangents where no matter how hard I try to see the good in a day I can't. I swear it's because of the pills I'm on but I still have things that need to be answered. Like, why do I survive things that could have/should have probably killed me like Alcoholism, Cancer, Crohns, multiple nut allergies, multiple accidents that I walked away from and should have died and yet I'm still here...Would someone who has an ear to God tell me WHY??? Surely I've got something to do to add to the positive nature of the Universe, I can't just be kept here out of some sick need to see how much Scott can handle!!!

It's now 3 days later....boy am I having trouble writing this....

OK...so now it's Saturday...I've been through a week of radiation treatments. I really don't feel any worse for the wear, just tired and a little bitchy. So for the past couple of days I've tried to get out and get some sun. I'm limited to the time I can be out but the Radiation Oncology unit gave me some SPF25 to put on and I can now stay out a little longer. Nausea is my worst enemy and I hate that sometimes Clayton gets the brunt of my Anger, Pity, moodiness, what ever you want to call it.

So last night the theater company that I'm President of (Clayton is VP but is leaving the board soon) has a show that is up called "House of Blue Leaves" it's a comedy. I needed to laugh, so this time I pushed the envelope a little and had Clayton drop me off and told him to go ahead and go home and I would find a ride home. I needed this little push of Independence since I can't (am not supposed to be) alone because of the seizures. For those of you who don't know; about a month a go I surprised everyone by having a sudden seizure. I woke up in an ambulance trying to answer questions that I was supposed to know the answer for but couldn't remember. Clayton kept his cool but I could tell when he got to the emergency room it scared him to death. So they kept be for a couple of days...sent me home with these new drugs for seizure disorder (which add to the moodiness already involved) and 12 hours later I started throwing up and couldn't stop so I landed back in NIH for 4-5 days.

During this time the Doctors all agreed that it was time to take Scott off of Chemo and put him on radiation treatments. This would keep me from entering the hospital for multiple stays and since it seemed to have done it's job on the grand scale then maybe the pinpointed radiation would help my body heal better.

Anyway I managed to get through the show without incident saw some people I hadn't seen in a while and felt a little more independent. I felt so good in fact that I got up this morning and fixed breakfast for Clayton before he left for rehearsal. I also now don't feel like this weekend while he is at rehearsal is all about Scott being babysat...it's more like just getting to hang with my friends and that the possibility of a seizure has had it's ass slapped back into a corner. I actually started thinking of things to do and clearing out my head. WHICH by the way allowed me to come up with my PURPOSE!!!!!

I'm going to start a non-profit organization called F.A.C.T.S. It stands for Fight All Cancer Through Service. It has been rolling around in my brain for the past week. Clayton and I heard about this little girl in Alexandria (VA) who had to have a kidney removed due to Cancer. The father (who is in Single Father Status) had to quit his job to take care of her and they were having a fund raiser to help support them....This got me to thinking...all the funds raised for Cancer research is great BUT...they don't help out with things like, Rides to the hospital, Food buying or preparation, etc...up to more than a dozen things I could think of...so F.A.C.T.S. is falling into place in my head and starting this weekend I start to put it on paper.

If anyone knows a good pro bono lawyer who will help me with the 501 c 3 paperwork please send them my way and keep an eye out for emails coming your way asking for help. I'm going to want this to be more than a donation type organization...I want to create lists of real people who want to get involved like they did with me. Let's help go grocery shopping, let's take the caretaker and the patient out for dinner if they want or even cook for them...Let's offer to look in and walk the pets...This is more than just throwing money at a situation (even tho' we will need that) this is about coming together and being of service.

Man do I feel better today I really did come out of the Dark.

I love you all for being there and for listening.

S

Maybe I should just make a reservation.

This is gonna be short as i'm weak, tired and not in a great frame of mind. I read Clayton's blog and he asked how do I do it...well I'll tell you the truth...I cry when know one is around and then convice myself that this will be over eventually and that I just have to keep going and then I turn on the TV or put in a movie and wait for something to happen like Clayton coming to visit...(Which I live for) just having him here boosts my spirits like you wouldn't believe.

I try to meditate during one of my meditations it occurred to me that I don't really pray while I'm in the hospital. It could be all the drugs I don't know. But it does bother me that I don't remember to do it. I was having hallucinations earlier in the week and the Nurontin makes me a blank slate. Clayton also mentioned something about me not complaining....Believe me I'd like to but what good does it do....the staff here does the best they can with what they have to work with. I'm not going to add to their stress by bitching about things they have no control over.

Well I'm gonna end for now the nurse is going to bring me some nausea medicine (Adavan) they shoot it straight into my iv and I take a little nap.

Maybe more later.
Scott

IN THE HOSPITAL...OUT OF THE HOSPITAL...BACK IN...

So 6 days after I entered the hospital from my last entry I came home. I was home for 2 whole days and went right back in for another 4 days...yesterday I came back home...so let me elaborate.

After I got home (from the first 6 day stay) I went right to bed I had developed an infection called c-diff in my intestinal tract so they put me on an antibiotic and since I was no longer nutripenic it was OK to go home...

It's 2 days later (Sunday) and 3 a.m. I wake up screaming in pain and actually put up with it (with the help of about 6 percoset and a bunch of Ibuprofen) all day. The pain meds I took only just barely took the edge off. On at least three separate occassions Clayton said I should call the Doctor...ya, ya, ya,...blah...blah...blah...Then as I got to thinking about it since I had just had a 6 day stint and most of the problem had to do with my blood and some of the symptoms seemed like a blood clot I got a little nervous and thought that maybe he was right and I called NIH since it was sunday I didn't expect much....but NOOOOOOOOOO...they said "you better get here as soon as you can." Aww crap...so (after clayton was smart enough to pack me an overnight bag) we piled in the car and we're off.

They put me in a bed send for the Doctor and give me some dilautid, IV Push. Holy Crap Batman that stuff worked fast!!! I don't remember getting to the X-Ray department I sorta remember coming back because we had to stop in the hall way on the way back to my room, I threw up. Clayton said that the nurse was running for anything I could use before I lost it over the carpeting.

They admitted me and apparently clayton and the nurse did some good nurse bad nurse gag (no I don't remember it) but apperantly he was the bad nurse and I told the other nurse that he was a big teddy bear...lol...anyway...after he left and I started to get some sense back the pain started coming back....so I got some more dilautid...boo ya!!!! Out like a light and as I'm coming down from that batch once again I decide to hurl...this time I was ready but man did I have a hangover!!! Haven't had one in about 12 years since I stopped drinking and let me tell you what I was not pretty!!!

So I told the Dr's. No MAS!!!! Give me something else!!! So they decided that I should be visited by the Pain and Pallative Care department. Before that they gave me something called Toradal (IV Push) it was like a super Ibuprofen...it worked pretty well but I could only have it once every 12 hours. Then the P and P folks came and gave me something called Neurontin...not a bad drug...helped me sleep 10 hours but at the same time it took the pain away a little to. So on Wed I got my PICC line in and my next round of Chemo started and sent me home with my new drugs...and that brings me to the end of my story.

I'm feeling better now and went to the acupuncturist today and then on to NIH to visit the P&P
clinic where they wanted to do an acupunture treatment and told them I already had one for the day...I didn't think that they would be that on the ball! So we rescheduled for next week and then I got to visit with the support therapist which was actually quite nice to just blab on and on for an hour...and not once did he say "...and how does that make you feel?"

Maybe now I can keep up for a while and talk about some other things going on...for right now I'm just going to say...Good Night!

You're Never Gonna Believe This One

I'm currently in the hospital, and I'm not doing the typing. One of my students is typing for me because I am so tired and weak that I cannot do it for myself, and I am way behind.

So let's start with the new round of Chemo. It was on a Wednesday, April 2nd (you're gonna laugh at this . . . I'm being interviewed by the nurse while I am doing this . . . multi-tasking). They gave me the Chemo without a problem but they also had to give me a spinal tap of something called Mexceltrethate, which I had a reaction to. It caused something called Arachnoiditis- it is one of the linings of the spinal cord in the brain. It caused inflammation and massive headaches, and it has lasted for the past ten days. So they had to give me something else when they had to do another spinal tap Chemo injection. This is part of the routine, but apparently, rarely some people develop reactions like I did. I don't know what the name of the new drug is, but today is the first day that the pain in my head has been manageable.

On Monday, the 7th, I came into the hospital to have bloodwork done and they kept me. I was dehydrated. So I was here all day getting an IV fluid and they sent me home. Still had the headache, but they said it would go away. Now I don't want you to think that these doctors are bad. They aren't. They are actually quite awesome. But like all good doctors they gave me drugs to get rid of the headache. These drugs have a side effect- dehydration and constipation. So on Thursday when I came to pick up my shot supplies, they took one look at me and decided that I needed some more help. And, once again, I was in the day hospital. I forgot to go home with the shot stuff. In the meantime, during all of this, I have been incredibly sick and weak.

Clayton, bless his heart, tries to do the best he can. But I think he is a little frustrated. Actually I am pretty sure he is because I read his blogs, and I think this is getting to him as much as it is getting to me. And to be honest I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I hate not eating. I have lost 5 punds in a week. I have mouth sores from the medication and this morning I had a fever. Now this is where you're gonna laugh again, the same student who is typing this out agreed to take me up here to get my shot stuff and it was only supposed to take an hour (because I forgot it on Thursday when I left). The nurses, on the ball as usual, took one look at me and decided to take my vitals, some blood, and now I'm admitted for the next few days. Only me, right?

I have what's called Neutrapenia. I'm anemic and I have about 38 white blood cells. The cause of this is that they gradually increase the Chemo each time and this is to be expected for this time in the course of my treatment. The doctor on call was happy that I had come in when I did so we caught it early. I've sitll got a bit of a fever. I've got an IV in me. And they game me antibitotics. I'm tryhing to eat. It looks really good . . . baked salmon with carrots and green beans, but I'm slow to eat. And not because of the food. The food is actually quite good. But the sores in my mouth stop me from eating too fast.

I have to tell you between the sickness itself and everything else going on, I'm just not sure I want to finish this up. Clayton called me back after he had found out that I was going to go into the hospital. He said, "I think I forgot something." I asked, "What was that?" He said, "I love you." I was crying like a baby at that statement. I guess you can't go wrong with that kind of support. Even with my student sitting next to me showing support, it's really hard. I guess I'm supposed to take it one day at a time, but this one really threw me for a loop. Well, before I become a blubbering baby and somebody's fingers become really tired I'm going to sign off for now.

Love, peace, and light.

Scott

Site has been updated

I finally went and read all of the different relatives blogs that have visited mine and I think I have them all now listed to the right of this page If I missed anyone (and I know I have) please send me the link.

I've also added two new pictures of my totally hairless self...the 3rd round of chemo comes up on Wed April 2nd so I'll write more then.

love to all
Scott

Just keep on keeping on...

Wow it's been a whole week since I last wrote...not much has happened. The shot portion of this session of Chemo has ended so the pain has finally (as of Friday) ended but I'm still feeling a little "yucky". The good thing is that the weather has been somewhat nice and a couple of times I've gone out and gotten a little fresh air by doing a couple of quick short errands and such.

I'm sorry it's been a week since I wrote. Clayton seems to be better at this than I am. I'm just going stir crazy...then when I do get on the computer and read emails or what ever I start to get tired and then things just stop.

I finally got my temporary disability check from work and paid some overdue bills which has now sent my credit rating down a few points. This became a highly discussed topic over the past week with Clayton and he was a little appalled at how I manage money...in a few words...I don't manage money...so for the first time in a relationship, I talked to my partner about how much I make and how I spend or don't and Scott's philosophy on paying bills. I think he wanted to commit me but instead we sat down and worked a little...I was very surprised at how I had fallen into the auto pay trap and seeing how that could screw everything up...I changed all of those accounts to either bill me or closed them.

It was an eye opening experience. I always marvelled at how he could manage on so little money since he gets a disability check once a month and lives on that and what he makes off of eBay. Yet here I was making a considerable amount more and always felt like I was struggling...he has once again amazed me with his help this week and I hope that I can keep it up with his help.

Clayton is Awesome and thanks to those of you who have taken the time to write him and read his blog. He lost a dear friend this week and had to attend the funeral. It was Buddhist and he said that he really enjoyed it. I have a young actor friend and his family who are Buddhist and they have invited me to come visit their temple when I'm feeling better. They have been very helpful to both Clayton and I during this particular time and I would like to see if the Buddhist way of life is a cause of that so I'm definately going to visit them when I'm better.

Other things...I think I'm coming down with a cold...I'm praying I don't, if I do, it could put off the next round of chemo and since I basically don't have an immune system because of the chemo a cold could be dangerous...it's cold in this house to...Clayton says it's warm but I can't seem to get warm and then all of the sudden I'll be dressed and bundled under the covers and burning hot....ugh...

so that's it for now... then next round of chemo starts on Wednesday and on that day they have to do a spinal tap and remove some of the spinal fluid and replace it with some chemo...yuck!

Thanks again to all that have been a great help to me and Clayton, for all of your well wishes, cards, food, etc...I can't thank you all enough.

Love and peace to all
Scott

What a difference a day makes

Start time 10:00 am

Alright I know...it's been more than a week since I last wrote...but let me tell you this being sick stuff is a pain in the butt. There are days that I lay here in bed and say as soon as I get the energy, I will write an entry into my blog...then some times when I'm thinking about things I think I should put that in the blog...well so much for that! There is a list in my head and in the interest of getting them out of my head so I can move on to something else I'm going to spend the entire day today probably getting them into this blog.

So last week I was doing what I always do lay in bed, watch a little TV, and get ideas in my head about things I can do...Like I joined the Martha Stewart website. I love it. She has some great ideas. Then of course I watch Regis and Kelly just 'cause they are so funny! but what I have noticed is that all these showes give stuff away to the audience. There is also the VIEW which Clayton hates but I love watching those women go back and forth like hens in the henhouse (OK a little redneck of me but it's my blog so get over it.)

But then there is the Ellen show.

I just have to talk about this woman...she is amazing! A lot like OPRAH, who I like, she's generous in her own right and while quite famous for it, she grows her kingdom through this...while Ellen is just not only generous, and genuine. I get such a great feeling about her and for all that she is hysterically funny and doesn't seem to want anything more than to make people happy. She just gives away tons of stuff and she raises money for tons of different charities and just makes me want to help people...it got me to thinking about generosity and waxing philisophical about purpose. I seem to be still wanting to make a difference. There is so much out there that a person can doand how do you decide? I would love to be able to be like Ellen and give... give... give... but right now that's not possible. However, I think that I can still be generous to people and give them what ever I can to help.

So that led me down the thought path of things I could do so of course I will be helping when and where I can for the lymphoma society, for all the obvious reasons, I would like to help the poor children in our country only because I think that there is enough world charity going on, that I would like to help out those closer to home. The glee and happiness at this thought process put me in a great mood and I actually felt good and then I actually slept well.

Of course the next Day was a whole different story. Talk about bitchy!! Whiny....in my head of course since I don't want to put it all on Clayton...yet I still lashed out and said something to the effect of I hate my life...he was within earshot...not good...He lashed back with I'm sorry that I'm so hard on you...I didn't mean that he was included in that of course I just was feeling lowsy and in pain and so of course I had to apologize for that! Crap!!!!! Yea I'm tired of this stuff but it doesn't mean that I'm any less appreciative of everything he does!

So I'm still feeling like crap...and a side effect of the shots are that they can cause mouth sores and for 2 days I've had that on top of everything else...it hurts to eat...but I get through.

OK on to something nice...Thursday we were given comp tickets to see A New Brain in MD...we needed to get out of the house and do something before we killed each other; so this was perfect. I didn't feel much like it but I put on my mask and my cancer hat and went for it! The show was awsome and the actors and music was briliant. I can't tell you how much it lifted my spirits! I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and the show was about a man who has a stroke and may die and what goes on in his head with a giant singing frog and such. I love musicals and some of it hit close to home in the words and feeling of the songs I was totally elated at the end and I got to meet with the cast.

Right here I want to tell you about the Cast....Andy Izquierdo was the lead and he is one of the most brilliant musical theater actors, with a stunning vocal range, I've ever had the pleasure of knowing...I've never seen him in a straight play (that's one without music) but I have seen many performances of his and he is AWESOME!!! Lisa Anne Bailey once again gave an outstanding performance as his mother and I've yet to see a bad performance from her...she is one of my all time favorites! Ryan Khatcheressian played Roger and he was once again brilliant and always has perfect chemistry with Andy...two of my friends Dave Moretti and Susanna Todd (who I worked with in Cinderella) were just awsome and if you can and know her...check out Susanna's saucy new haircut!!! She looks positivly HOT! Speaking of hair and makeup one of my best buddies Kat Brais did make up and hair and I loved seeing her she is the nicest sweetest person and I just love her!

Not to leave anyone out...I do want to mention that Katie Pond, as the homeless lady was absolutuly wonderful and has a beautiful voice....Karissa Swanigan and Randall Jones were just cute and wonderful as the Nurse and Frog respectfully and Duane Monahan and Tim Adams rounded out the cast quite nicely with great acting and voices...all around I give it 2 very big thumbs up!!! I loved it...

I got an offer to see another show from some other friends. I originally told them that I probably couldn't since I would be on an IV bag of chemo...but I want to go and I've got to go if it's on a night that I'm not hooked to an IV bag...cause I need it...This house is making me nuts being closed up...I just sit/lay here uncomfortable and feeling like crap...it's spring Dammit and I'm feeling the burn!!! I'm sure Clayton is as well. He's been packing stuff up and putting tons of boxes into the storage unit for when we move. It gives him something to do while I'm in bed moaning from the pain. I know he can't wait to get out of this house as much as I can.

Speaking of moves that was the other thing we did...I donned the mask and went with our realtor to see a few houses. It was a very nice day and we saw some that we liked. However, we can't see any this weekend because of being low on white blood cells...but next week we can. it was so nice to get out...I see a theme here...but now I'm under orders to stay inside until my blood test on Monday....ugh.

So now for today, yet another 24 hours and I've felt like hell all day...my mom called and that was great I love it when people call...I got a couple of cards in the mail one of them from the office and it was loaded with signatures from everyone I work with...my best friend, her husband and baby, will come for a very short visit...I Started season two of Star Trek Voyager on DVD...Clayton got all 7 seasons for me for christmas and I'm slowly working through them...did I mention that I've already gone through all 3 seasons of the Wonder Woman TV show? So much for another day it's a little after 4 pm and it took me all day to write this since I've had to take so many breaks with the whole feeling bad thing...but there is always tomorrow and once again this strange catharsis of writing has cleared my head and made me feel better. It's 5:30 and my visitors just left and I'm done for this round....

Peace and love
OUT

Round 2 Day 2

OY!!!! so today is Day 2 of round 2 of my Chemo...They sent me home with a bigger bag of the crap! They increased the dosage of the chemo since I handled the first round so well. I don't know about that, but I guess they think I did well they (the Doctors) obviously haven't been in my body for the past month...oh well.

Anyway I will be leaving soon for the hospital. A lovely actress friend of mine (who by the way is just glorious as an actress and person.) Is taking me up today...I'm a little tired and have a tendancy to nod off...It's taken me a while to write this....I'm currently watching a recording of Martha Stewart's show on TV... geez...now I have ideas for Easter and cooking and stuff loaded into my head and do I feel up to it? Yes and No...is Clayton going to laugh or say "I don't think so you should rest" Can I do it from the bed...lol...maybe with his help or will I just end up adding it to the list of things that I want to do...he's cooking lunch at the moment and boy does it smell good.

Well it's 3 1/2 hours later! I ate the wonderful lunch that Clayton made and totally satisfied this intense need for junkfood ... cheeseburgers...I ate two! Then my ride came...it's very nice to get out with someone who's a lot of fun...not that Clayton isin't enjoyable to be with...it's just the abiltiy to be out with someone that is a little wild and fun and we can joke back and forth and gossip...yes gossip; about theater and shows and stuff it's just a nice day! So anyway I'm now watching a recording of the View...for some reason I seem to love these woman go back and forth and discuss stuff. Clayton hates it but it's fun for me for some reason...I think I'm watching to much T.V. I was telling my friend today that I can watch T.V. now and not know what I watched unless it's one of my favorite shows and I've coined a "new" phrase...TV Coma...Definition: When you've watched so much TV that you literally phase out and not know what you watched...

Awwww by reading the above I see I've rambled...oh well that's me on a good day!
Later

Review of the Bad Days to finally get today as a good day

Before I got sober I spent my life in negativity and since I got sober I've tried to stay on the side of good but I have to tell you that you're about to read some real negative stuff...because dammit I'm not perfect!


Since I last wrote I have had massive pain to go through the shots finally ended on Friday. Then Saturday I spent all day in bed with flu like symptoms and as that started to end, the pain started again last night...before last night I slept about 4-5 hours a night...let me tell you what that does to the mental aspect of Scott. It's a good thing that the universe is forgiving and understands that we aren't perfect because in the vile, angry, killer mood that I was in, I would have been struck down so hard that it would have taken half of Arlington with it.


Me and the universe had a very angry, one way, exchange of words and there isin't a sailor alive that could have beat me in the dirty mouth department.


Since Clayton and I have been together he has taught me that you don't have to yell and scream when you have a fight and to be totally honest we haven't really had a fight. But 2 nights ago as I looked at the clock and it was 2 am and I was wide awake, all I wanted to do was yell and scream throw things like a child having a tantrum. The ugly pity monster just wanted to rip, render and tear up anything within reach...so while I was yelling at God I just cried and let it out...


3 days ago when I woke up I looked in the mirror and one of the biggest aspects of my treatment was staring me right in the eyes...I looked like I had grown a leopard on my head overnight with the patches of hair missing. (see the pictures I've added to the site) And even tho' I was totally expecting it...it still brought tears to my eyes. So back and forth and back and forth...

Sometimes I don't know what to do. Yesterday I just laid in bed with these flu like symptoms didn't hardly eat anything nor did I want to or did I care if I did. I read couple of e-mails reading about other friends of mine who are having their own problems right now and I know I'm not alone in the anguish department...When I realized that I would need to send them some of the healing energy that I've been given, it helped change my attitude...sometimes it just takes a kick to the head.


So today roles around and I feel good...My best friend's husband came by and fixed my wireless access to the laptop so at least I don't have to wear a mask in the basement...for those of you who are behind...our basement leaks and Clayton and I both agree that there could be mold issues the my compromised immune system couldn't handle at the moment.

I'm in much better spirits today and I actually fixed my own breakfast and lunch which gives Clayton a little break...friends have called to check in and it's a different day. It will hopfully last like this until Wednesday when I have the new PIC line put in and start the bags of chemo again.

But for now I'm good and back to my old self...at least mentally.

Have a good one.
Scott

Wed, March 5, 2008 -- Stream of Consciousness Entry

Stream of Consciousness --Definition from Wikipedia-- "In literary criticism, stream of consciousness is a literary technique that seeks to portray an individual's point of view by giving the written equivalent of the character's thought processes, either in a loose interior monologue, or in connection to his or her sensory reactions to external occurrences. Stream-of-consciousness writing is strongly associated with the modernist movement. The introduction of the term to describe literature, transferred from psychology, is attributed to May Sinclair."


That's what today's entry is....


Pain is at the fore front of my issues the G-shots are a pain in the ass literally most of the pain in the back of my hips or in my chest (then arms, fingers, chin, etc)...yet when I went to the Dr. yesterday they said that I was doing well...they finally staged my particular form of Cancer it's Stage 1e this means that it hasn't spread to anywhere else as far as they can tell. However, I still have to have at least 3 more treatments so we are looking at another 10 weeks of this pain and tired...aww Sh** ,oh well...they tried to be real nice about it...they are very nice up there.

My 2 Dr's. Leonkis and O'Mahoney are the most nicest Doctors I have every met in my life...they have been incredibly sweet the whole time and really put up with my F***ed up panic attacks and whining when I call them and go "What about this?" and "What about that?" and some times the bright light big sound takes hold of my ADD and I have to call them back and go '''...What did you say about this or that?" What a baby!!!

I don't know how Clayton puts up with me sometimes. Do you know he works very hard to take care of me and I just hope he realizes how much it means to me...I don't know what I can do to ever give back to him like he does for me. I try to do little things like folding socks while I'm laying in bed (Whoo Hooo) or the dishes if I'm up to it...like the cleaning up of the water in the basement this morning!

Let's chat about that! I'm so damn tired of this house and it's problems...the basement flooded a little bit this morning AGAIN!!!! I just sort of stood there with the hose on the floor sucking up water and Clayton Caught me...told me I should be wearing my mask down there because of mold and that I should be resting and to go upstairs right now...He was right, but I feel so damn helpless sometimes...anyway because the computer is downstairs I promised that I would wear a mask down here today while I'm on the computer because of potential mold issues. He's very sweet to be like this I just feel like a major burden sometimes...

OK Scott let's change the line of thinking (this is how I talk to my self) Let's find the positive side of this comedy/tragedy farce! So the good news (above) about the fact that the disease hasn't spread is a great thing...How Lucky/Blessed am I? I've got to say that now this cuts down, hopefully, the amount of treatment time. This is the schedule now...have another chemo run and then do another CT scan of the area...see if the tumor has shrunk to a lot smaller, which I can tell you it has because my ribs aren't sore anymore and then 2 more rounds of chemo and then another CT scan....then they will make the decision as to whether or not I need to have any more treatment.


A friend of mine came over the other day and did some fantastic Energy work...it helped a lot and I can't tell you how much that this kind of of help and support means to me! I've got to be the most blessed guy around with all of this love...I know I keep saying it in every entry into this blog but so what! My Blog My Entries!! For many years I've held to the fact that this world was going to hell in a hand basket and that there was a hole in the bottom...but you know what? It's going to be people like all the people that I've surrounded my self with, that are going to save us....there is no way that pain, bad energy or anything else could beat all the love that is out there in the world.


OK so I'm all sorts of drugged up had to take Percoset the first thing this morning...and now I'm going to fix something to eat and go back to bed. Clayton was out doing some house cleaning for someone and is going to be back soon. I also talked to my boss today and checked in to let her know I got all my disability papers in so I keep some money coming in at least. So I think that for now that's all...I have another visit to the Dr on Friday for Blood work and will have more to report then.


Out for now!

S

Saturday -- It's been a couple of good days...

So my Doctors tell me that feeling good physically will go up and down and they are right. The roller coaster of Being Tired and having, what I'm now referring to, pain waves.



Pain Waves -- Definition...."When sharp stabbing pains attack any where on my body. The heaviest about an hour after my GCS-F shots"



These waves come on like the Ocean Tides with about the same consistency.



As for being tired...I manage about 3 hours up in the morning before I feel that I just have to lay down....Then I just sort of lay there for a while until the next surge of energy...during that surge today I folded socks...lol...not a big deal for me...but for Clayton....



The next surge is now with me up at the computer doing this blog. I've been thinking about what I wanted to write about today and you know the thing that I want to talk about more than anything is the GENEROUS outpouring of love and support from my friends..



Lets start with the food...So many people have helped with food that I can't tell you how much it means to us...for different reasons....the biggest is that since I'm not working for awhile...my Jobs insurance for being out of work will drop to about 60 % of my current pay until I go back to work...That scares the hell out of me! So thanks to all for the food...you know who you are and you rock!!!!



The rides to NIH for Blood work and my Chemo Bag changes. Both times that I have accepted the offers for rides the two people who took me have just been fabulous!!!



With my friend and a former student ---...it was just two ol' queens on a road trip talkin' about everything....totally lovely!!!! With my long time Friend ---, I hadn't seen her in for ever and I sat back in her lovely comfortable car (she had separate heating and air that is to die for) and chatted and caught up! She lost her Husband a couple of years ago very suddenly and it was so nice to see how she had worked through it so far...she also reminded me of how her and I are alike in the ability to compartmentalize how we work through our life...and go about with the logic of day to day things...I can't tell you how much help and joy I was feeling when I got back from the hospital...I was in the best mood I've been in for a couple of weeks.



My mom calls everyday just to check in and this is one strong woman! DAILY I get email from her about different Holistic treatments to help supplement my current treatment and there is no negativity or anything...she has been the most solid rock in my life through coming out, alcaholism, other illnesses and continues to do so.



I've gotten (2) fruit baskets from the office along with emails daily.



Get well cards and even a gift certificate from someone for a Pizza from Dominoes from ---. A lady I worked with when I did Christmas Carol. Many other things as well but I want to spend a few lines on the two people who offered to get matched for blood and bone marrow if I needed it down the road.



The first offer came from my friend ---...her's was also the very first email out of my friends to reply...when she wrote a very sweet letter and told me that if I needed any blood from her to make sure I let her know I about fell over!! That is true unselfishness and giving and this friend is like that all the time...she knows who she is and I want to know how much love I have for her.



The other person is a former student who also wrote a very nice letter and made the same offer despite all the things she is going through she still made that offer! These are real people who make these offers...and they have surrounded me with love and energy beyond compare and I will NEVER forget this...I LOVE YOU ALL!!!



And too my best friend (after Clayton) your daily calls and love and visits with all that you have going means so much to me I can't tell you...You know you're my SweetPea!



OK all as you know I've left names out on purpose...so that as with the practice of AA, anonymity first above all...



and good night!

Thurs Feb. 28, 2008

Well so far I'm not so good on the day to day aspect of blogging this whole thing but today I try again to update and give more information about the treatment.

On Tuesday the 26th Clayton and I went and donated my hair to Locks of Love before it started to all fall out. That process hasn't started yet but they expect that it will and said I should lop it off before it started. Then she (Ashley, lovely girl who'd had her own form of cancer before as well) took the electric razor to my hair and I'm now officially Mr. Clean!

Now Tuesday was also the day after the last bag of Chemo Drugs...They call the combination of these drugs EPOCH...the drugs include Cyclophosphamide, Doxorubicin, Etoposide, Prednisone and Vincristine. Taken at different times and in various forms (pill's, IV, etc.) for 5 days. It's funny that they should call it EPOCH...the definition of this word means..."a significant period in history or in somebody's life"....usually they name these things after the combination of letters of the treatment...so who ever came up with this name was either pretty smart or has a strange sense of humor.

Anyway, after that first part of the treatment come the shots...GCSF Shots, these shots Stimulate Normal Bone Marrow for White Blood Cells. The Draw back is the bone pain and the muscle cramps that come from this...After 2 days of these (did I mention I have to give them to myself?) I'm already ready to bag it...the pain can be intense and it comes and goes in waves which literally can make me yell out in pain.

Mentally my attitude goes the gambit. Sometimes I wake up and have all this crap going through my head...usually about Why this is happening, pity me, No I'm not going to let this get to me, etc. Yesterday I just laid in bed...didn't care, didn't want to do anything but watch TV...yet had a small spark of energy and did the dishes...yes, I was in pain for most of the day, but I think part of my problem is that I don't know how to behave. I'm sure it takes time to work through all of this but I don't know...I'm having a hard time to get on a positive course some days. At least for now the crying jags are over.

I know I need to push myself for doing some energy work and stuff to help me get better yet I make excuses not to. Like..."I'm tired or I can't focus"...what I'd like to know is why I do that? I know they can help, yet I get this "Whatever" attitude and continue to make excuses.

So that's it for now...Day 10 since I was diagnosed with Cancer and started receiving treatment.

Day to Day Part 1...The First Week

Welcome all! This first writing of my blog; week one, of my announcement of having Cancer -- Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and the battle that is starting.

On Tuesday February 19th, 2008 my Doctors at NIH (National Institutes of Health) told me that the biopsies on what was thought to be a fractured rib, then a possible infection, was really Non-Hodgin's Lymphoma. I managed about 1 minute and a half to let it all sink in before I blubbered like a big baby...yea I know it's a natural response but I'm not given to blubbering. Anyway in between crying jags Dr. Leonokis tried to give me all the information and instantly wanted to take some more tests 2 immediately and one later so they could "stage" it. Staging is where you find out the true severity and then treat it. The final Staging test, a P.E.T. exam was to take place in Mid March since that particular department was quite busy...I didn't want to wait that long and bless his heart Dr. Leonokis took the reigns found a cancellation and worked everything out to get the tests done. They admitted me that day and I was there until Thursday the 21st.

On Thursday February 21st, 2008 I started Chemotherapy. The staging results haven't come back as of today (Feb. 25th) and I've now been to the hospital everyday since then having a bag on a battery operated pump, connected to a PICC line (a catheter into the arm that goes up into the Large subclavian vein to give better administration of the chemo) changed and so far so good. Today will be the final bag change and it will take 3-4 hours since they will be giving me bags of IV hydrotherapy today. This helps with the dehydration caused by the chemo and gets be geared up for part 2 of this round...the self injected shots...and I think for now I will end here and find out how the shots work before I write more.

One last thing to those of you reading this...I want to thank you for the immensley wonderful outpouring of support, generosity and love that has come my way. I can't tell you how much it means to me. You are all the best friends that anyone could ask for. You have taken the time to write e-mails, bring food, take me to the hospital, etc...all of this has been an enormous help to Clayton who is the best care-giver anyone could ask for...My love for him is infinate and I can't tell you how blessed and lucky I am that the universe saw fit to put us together.

Feel free to post your comments here and I will try, as the process goes on, to keep this updated. It will all of course depend on how I feel on a day to day basis...

I have to tell you, for me, it takes a lot to write things down here. As I write it, it's cathartic, then I read it and the fear and emotion that spring up bring tears to my eyes and I feel panic and it takes time to just write this paragraph. I am trying so hard to be strong, I don't know what to do some days, and being tired doesn't help. If it wasn't for you all and Clayton and the babies (Xena and B'Elana -- See their pictures elsewhere on this site.) I don't know what I would do. I really am scared and I love that I have all the healing energy I could ask for from you, clayton, and the babies.

More later...
Scott