Review of the Bad Days to finally get today as a good day

Before I got sober I spent my life in negativity and since I got sober I've tried to stay on the side of good but I have to tell you that you're about to read some real negative stuff...because dammit I'm not perfect!


Since I last wrote I have had massive pain to go through the shots finally ended on Friday. Then Saturday I spent all day in bed with flu like symptoms and as that started to end, the pain started again last night...before last night I slept about 4-5 hours a night...let me tell you what that does to the mental aspect of Scott. It's a good thing that the universe is forgiving and understands that we aren't perfect because in the vile, angry, killer mood that I was in, I would have been struck down so hard that it would have taken half of Arlington with it.


Me and the universe had a very angry, one way, exchange of words and there isin't a sailor alive that could have beat me in the dirty mouth department.


Since Clayton and I have been together he has taught me that you don't have to yell and scream when you have a fight and to be totally honest we haven't really had a fight. But 2 nights ago as I looked at the clock and it was 2 am and I was wide awake, all I wanted to do was yell and scream throw things like a child having a tantrum. The ugly pity monster just wanted to rip, render and tear up anything within reach...so while I was yelling at God I just cried and let it out...


3 days ago when I woke up I looked in the mirror and one of the biggest aspects of my treatment was staring me right in the eyes...I looked like I had grown a leopard on my head overnight with the patches of hair missing. (see the pictures I've added to the site) And even tho' I was totally expecting it...it still brought tears to my eyes. So back and forth and back and forth...

Sometimes I don't know what to do. Yesterday I just laid in bed with these flu like symptoms didn't hardly eat anything nor did I want to or did I care if I did. I read couple of e-mails reading about other friends of mine who are having their own problems right now and I know I'm not alone in the anguish department...When I realized that I would need to send them some of the healing energy that I've been given, it helped change my attitude...sometimes it just takes a kick to the head.


So today roles around and I feel good...My best friend's husband came by and fixed my wireless access to the laptop so at least I don't have to wear a mask in the basement...for those of you who are behind...our basement leaks and Clayton and I both agree that there could be mold issues the my compromised immune system couldn't handle at the moment.

I'm in much better spirits today and I actually fixed my own breakfast and lunch which gives Clayton a little break...friends have called to check in and it's a different day. It will hopfully last like this until Wednesday when I have the new PIC line put in and start the bags of chemo again.

But for now I'm good and back to my old self...at least mentally.

Have a good one.
Scott